These days, my life has been tumultuous. It's like I'm a tornado, sweeping through the plains of day-night-day-night. Every time the sun rises, it brings a new challenge. And I have to say to myself: do I rise to face it, or fall back into old ways of not dealing? I felt some amount of solace when I read this Anais Nin quote
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
I've always admired Nin. She did what felt right to her, even when it looked bat shit crazy to other people (or sometimes illegal, in the case of the affair with her own father). She regretted some of her decisions later, but she always made a point to live fully, to be present in every situation.
I have trouble with that. Living fully. Half of my brain is musing about the future, the other half lost in the past. Maybe ten percent processes what's going on in real time. Which is actually a lot better than what it used to be. Still, there's progress to be made.
So yes to blossoming! To doing what makes me uncomfortable if I believe that it's important, if I can feel the truth of it jangling about in my bones.
Courage. Maybe I should write a note to myself on my arm: For God's sake, don't forget to be brave. In permanent marker.
Of course, I already have a note of courage on my arm. In the most permanent of markers ever. The mountain in the quote, that's the rest of my life. I got through the metaphorical woods. Now there's a freaking mountain to climb. And I'm not going to let myself sit at the bottom and cry instead.
I went to Barnes and Noble after the Meetup disaster to console myself. I picked up a copy of the latest VegNews as well as a tattoo magazine. Amelia Nightmare is my new heroine. Why do I heart her? Because she's whismical and sexy, her tattoos have a specific color scheme (and are all beautiful), and she's Asian. I'm planning a whopping big blog post on this in the future: the whole Asian thing. But for now, let's just say: yay for sexy Asian girls!