My stereotypical weaknesses infuriate me. Food is such a girly weapon of choice.
One piece of apple pie = 411 calories. I don't know this intrinsically, at least. I googled it.
It wasn't even a good piece of pie. It was Giant Eagle variety, complete with a horrible sugared crust. I ate it anyway.
At least I didn't buy the whole pie.
Why punish myself? Is it because of the looming storm of change/the unknown/loneliness/freedom? I had a relatively good night, at first. I went to the movies, and then to the grocery store. A small child made me smile outside the theatre. "Mommy," he said, "Why is the sidewalk sparkling? Is it magic?"
I wanted to tell him, "It's not stupid. You're right, it's wonderful that the sidewalk sparkles."
Instead, I walked silently to the car. And I found myself shaking. The wave of sadness is overwhelming sometimes. It's exactly things like a sparkling sidewalk that matter right now. Those small things. A pretty girl riding a red bicycle in Shadyside. A kind friend's text message. A poignant line of poetry, which I run through my mind like a strand of jewelry. Solace can come from anywhere.
And that, I suppose, is how I wound up with the pie. I'm a fragile little eggshell. Even a stranger's comment (and not even directed at me!) has the power to make me shatter, just a little.
I need to be stronger. My bones filled with titanium, my skin sealed with diamond. Impervious.
When I look in his eyes, I feel ??
Too much? Too little?